I knew that it was inevitable that I would eventually have to face the fact that tomorrow I will be waking up for the last time in Etown. And I’m going to try to resist posting something too sappy but I didn’t want to let this quiet moment of reflection pass without recognition. The last four years have been quite a journey. Literally, with field experiences from Harrisburg to Lancaster, and spiritually as I have had to talk myself down from the figurative ledge a number of times in order to come out stronger… or at least alive. But besides the challenges and struggles, I want to remember only the best of times and the best of friends. One day, I will look back on these years, maybe (hopefully) not as the “best years of my life” but as ones that have taught me what matters most and have made me who I am.
These times will try hard to define me
But I will hold my head up high
Safety Suit, “These Times”
I haven’t posted in a while mostly because I haven’t been inspired to write anything lately as well as the madness of finishing up the semester and properly enjoying the holidays. But now that its officially 2015 I am ready to turn a new page and hope to post more regularly for my handful of followers. x When I consider the new year, of course I am tempted to make resolutions and promises to myself of changes I will make but I know I will inevitably fall short of my own expectations because I mean really… Has one day really made that much a difference? Probably not. I don’t feel much different than I did yesterday…
But I do feel inspired. And I guess that’s all that really matters. No I probably won’t exercise everyday or be super organized, never procrastinate or stress, or completely rid myself of a boring wardrobe or the negative influences in my life but I will try my best. I will try to look forward with a positive attitude, with grace and drive. To make a difference or at least do something a little different. I begin the new year, keeping in mind a mantra that I have adapted from an Amy Poehler quote: I want to be someone who does things. I don’t want to be someone anymore who judges or talks about what people do. I want to be someone and be around people who dream and support and do things…
And whether or not I accomplish everything I set out to or I make mistakes along the way, I must remember to cherish these moments and take them in stride because these times too will pass and one day I’ll look back and think, “I made it through”.
I recently found this on the internet and it made me think because while I am experiencing this right now, I don’t know how I feel about it. It sucks to lose friends and I agree that it is a natural part of going forward with your life but it always doesn’t have to be that way. Don’t rid yourself of the people in your past who love you just because you think its time to “growing up”. I think that growing up means that you are becoming who you want to be, figuring out what is important and real. Someone with dreams and goals, someone who makes mistakes and learns from them. Shedding friends is not the only part of growing up. Realizing that you must cherish the ones who really matter, new or old; this is the true mark of “growing up”.
~Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1~
Lately, I have not been my best self because I have lost a lot of my spirit and joy in life. Blame it on the winter season dumps or due to the burdens of my semester but I know hidden in my mind and heart is the root: lost hope and doubt of turning myself around. But these last few days have proven that God is working double time trying to give me a sign of better things to come. I literally have have seen this bible verse all around me, it haunts me as I go about my day. It was in my devotion last night and it was on my tumblr three times in a row today. I just can’t ignore God staring straight at me in the form of a bible verse from Hebrews. After stopping to reflect on this verse numerous times, how can I deny that this is exactly what I needed to hear in the midst of my outcries to the Lord. To hold close to me and never let go. I cannot see Him but I am assured He has been here the whole time, preparing all that I hope for in his beautiful timing. Amen and Hallelujah to that.
Never Gone: Colton Dixon
Do you ever have that nagging feel like there’s something you should be doing but instead you just continue to sit at your desk or whatever and stare into space, wondering where to go from here? There are a hundred and one things I could be working on for the sake of future me but I just don’t have the energy. I’m so tired of pulling myself out of the waves of depression and doubt. I don’t know if this is technically rock bottom but here’s hoping that February only gets better from here.
To quote the rest of the song, I need to remember:
I’m still standing here/ No I didn’t disappear/ Now the lights are on/ See I was never gone/ I let go of your hand/ To help you understand/ With you all along/ Oh, I was never gone
I never ever left you/ Never ever left you, no./ He said I never ever left you/ Never ever left you, no./ Jesus never ever left you/ Never ever left you, no. He sees us, even in the darkness/ Now you know you’re not alone.
My mom just got back from New Orleans for “work” and is now leaving for Dublin today for a “business trip” yet again. I air quote these because she really is going to be in these amazing places, stuck in a hotel conference room for most of the day but at night I have seen status updates from the coolest places and I just wish I could be there too! I know she wishes that she could be there for just the fun part and enjoy it with my dad or the rest of us but its just the way its gotta be.
I worry that I will never be able to travel and experience things abroad the way she does because being a future teacher doesn’t require or even allow much time to leave the local area. It scares me that I might never get to see the world the way I want to because even though I love the idea of being a teacher it isn’t the only thing I want to do for the rest of my life and it shouldn’t have to be. I want to go on road trips in a tear drop RV and book a room in every resort in Disney World and see all of Europe (Ok, maybe that’s a bit ambitious). But I at least want to have the opportunity and time to be able to do the things I dream about and pin onto my pinterest boards!
And not just before I “settle down” or in the “golden years” of retirement. I don’t want to have to remember the good old days or look forward them in the monotony of my present life, I want memories and adventure to be all around me. I am okay with a traditional lifestyle. I am okay with having a small house and an even smaller salary. I am excited to meet someone (maybe someone with a larger salary 😉 to build an ordinary family with in suburbia, USA. But I still want so much more for myself. I want to see awesome things and do awesome things all throughout my life. I want to give and receive and love and be loved and learn and teach and meet cool people and make a difference. I want to live my ordinary life as awesomely as I can.